Three Kids And A Baby
by Kiva Taliana
Summary: Previously titled 'Playtime'. An accident in the hub leaves Ianto and Rhys trying to fix the problem.  Not easy when the rest of the team are a little incapacitated.
1. Chapter 1

**This is going to be a two-parter, my mind just insisted on writing this silliness today. **

It had been ten minutes, maybe not even that long, Ianto thought. He had gone up to wait for the pizza delivery and finish off a couple of tasks on his computer up in the tourist office. Then he came back down to find the hub ominously silent. He stood by the door, as it closed behind him, looking around.

The rest of them had been there when he had left them, fussing over some kind of artefact while they speculated what it did. Now they were all very conspicuous by their absence.

"Guys?" Ianto shouted, looking around carefully as he stepped forward. He shifted the pizzas to one hand, balancing them a little precariously. It wouldn't have surprised him if Jack had thought up some completely childish and annoying prank to play on him. The others probably wouldn't take much persuading.

Ianto went up the steps and looked around. The artefact was still on Toshiko's desk, and nothing appeared to have moved. Ianto raised his eyebrows as looked down at the clothes on the floor. There was a trail of them running into Jack's office, and most of the clothes appeared to be Jack's.

"Oh, he wouldn't," Ianto muttered to himself. Himself decided to inform him that Jack so would. He tensed as there was a shuffling sound from the office. He slid the pizzas onto a corner of Toshiko's desk and stepped forward, moving silently and some instinct made his hand slide round to the small of his back, to his gun. He wasn't entirely sure what caused that reaction, but something stirred in his gut that told him something wasn't quite right. There was a sense of static in the air that told him that this was not one of Jack's silly moments.

He controlled his urge to pull the gun, he was in the hub and the others were around somewhere. Ianto glanced back at the artefact and then his head whipped round again as he caught movement in the corner of his eye. A dark head ducked back behind the door of Jack's office. Ianto moved a few steps forward and the dark head appeared again, and a pair of huge, doe-eyes stared at him.

Ianto blinked, so did the eyes, and Ianto's hand moved away from his gun. He looked down at Gwen, and the fact was, he was looking down a considerable distance. Gwen blinked again and as he stepped forward she ducked back.

"Gwen, it's all right, it's only me."

Gwen's head appeared again, and then another dark head of hair peeped up from behind Gwen's shoulder. Toshiko was even lower than Gwen. There was clearly a little prodding on Toshiko's part as Gwen jumped before scowling at her and shuffled forward a little. Toshiko followed, both of them staring up at Ianto with wide eyes, and neither of them the height they should have been. Both of them swamped by the tops that had fitted them ten minutes ago. Ianto hefted out a heavy sigh.

"Oh, bugger!"

Gwen's eyes widened again, but her face lit up with amusement, Toshiko looked shocked. Ianto's head whipped round as a giggle came from behind the sofa and a high pitched voice said.

"Bugger, shit, arsehole! Ow!"

Ianto had reached behind the sofa, grabbed the offender by the ear and hoisted Owen out from the sofa. He still managed to be in all his clothes, but he was just as swamped. Ianto pulled him clear of the furniture while Owen squirmed in his grip. He looked a little older than the two girls; Ianto guessed Owen was about eight years old, Gwen and Toshiko about five.

"OW!" Owen protested again, wriggling even harder. Ianto deposited Owen on the sofa.

"Not another word," Ianto ordered him sternly. Owen glared at him sullenly and rubbed his ear. Ianto looked around and asked a rather pertinent question.

"Where's Jack?"

Owen continued to sulk, the girls looked worried. Ianto frowned in concern and concentrated on Gwen and Toshiko.

"Look, I'm not going to be angry, I just need to know where he is."

Ianto also needed to know what age he was, he scanned the floor hoping to God he hadn't reverted into sperm or something. He couldn't entirely put that one past Jack. However, Toshiko let go of Gwen's hand and shuffled sideways, a little away from her. As she opened up the gap there was a little whimper from behind them.

Trying not to teeter over the brink into a full blown panic attack Ianto carefully stepped between them and sighed. They had attempted to wrap Jack up, to protect him from the cold floor, pushing Jack's tee-shirt and shirt around him, but he was escaping his coralle to crawl to Ianto, and the very sweet looking baby gazed up at him with Jack's stunning blue eyes. He couldn't have been much more than a year old.

"Oh… dear," Ianto said. Owen giggled again and Ianto ignored him reaching down to pick up Jack. Jack grizzled momentarily but as Ianto settled Jack against his chest the baby gave a coo of delight, latching one hand onto Ianto's tie and drooling onto his shoulder.

"Thank you," Ianto said to him. Jack's eyes regarded him steadily, giving a happy little smile.

"All right," Ianto said turning around and surveying the young Torchwood team. "At least everyone is present, if not entirely correct. Gwen, what happened?"

Toshiko would probably be able to give a better answer, but she looked so shy, huddling behind Gwen again, which Gwen didn't seem to mind. Ianto guessed that the wrapping Jack in his clothes idea had been Toshiko's, but Gwen had probably implemented it.

However, Gwen was not clear on the details of what had occurred. She stared up at Ianto and looked apologetic. Eventually she shrugged, tilting her head in an endearing fashion.

"Don't know."

"Okay," Ianto said. "Right, I'll watch the footage. You two go and sit down with Owen and I'll look at the CCTV. He herded the two girls over, and Toshiko clambered up, happy to sit in the middle, Owen regarded the two girls with mild disgust and shuffled sideways to put a gap between him and Toshiko. Gwen settled on the end.

"If Jack sits between you two," Ianto stared, lifting Jack and planning to settle him in the space between the girls. Jack, however, vocally raised an objection to that idea, giving a loud wail, bunching his hands into fists and flailing them. Tears started to leak from his eyes. Owen stared in amazement, putting his hands over his ears. Gwen looked up at Ianto.

"I don't think he likes that," she announced.

Jack had made his feelings quite clear. Ianto straightened up and put Jack back against his chest. Jack settled again, and Ianto shifted him so he was comfortable. He carried Jack over to the desk and grimaced as he felt Jack drool on him again, then his mouth latched onto Ianto's collar bone, chewing lightly while he gurgled happily. Ianto sighed and sat by Toshiko's computer, tapping the keyboard to bring up the playback.

It became fairly self-explanatory after that. Jack was fiddling with the device, Toshiko behind him, Gwen a little further away and Owen at his own desk working on his computer. After a quick blast of light, whatever had happened had taken affect. Jack had taken the brunt of it, and probably shielded Toshiko from the worst effects, therefore making her about the same age as Gwen. Owen the furthest away was the less affected. Ianto set the computer working out the distances and the intensity of the blast and he eyed the machine warily, but looking at that and the footage, it was clear Jack had been pressing buttons on the control panel and had caused the incident. He also got the computer to make a magnified recording of what Jack had been doing.

"Can't leave things alone can you?" Ianto murmured to the baby, who gave a muffled coo and carried on gnawing at him. Jack had some baby teeth by the feel of it but he wasn't causing Ianto any pain so he left him alone. "And when I get this fixed you're buying me a new shirt."

Jack gurgled again, releasing Ianto so he could spit on him.

"Jack! Hey!" Ianto snapped his head round as Toshiko yelped.

His mother had been right, you did need eyes in the back of your head. In this case however, Ianto had CCTV, he had opened a panel so he could keep an eye on the three children behind him as he assessed the playback. So Owen was caught red-handed as he leant over and pinched Toshiko on her thigh. Toshiko gave a yelp of shock and pain and Gwen, naturally, came to her defence.

Leaning over a now crying Toshiko she started to bat Owen around the head. Owen batted back, catching Toshiko on the cheek.

"Oi!" Ianto yelled, making Jack stir restlessly.

Gwen stopped immediately. Owen added one more slap to the back of Gwen's head. Between them Toshiko continued to cry, quietly. Ianto extracted Jack from his position, which meant he started off again and put Jack next to Gwen, who took a tight hold of the wriggling baby. Jack was less than pleased to be separated from Ianto. Gwen made attempts to soothe him while Ianto took Owen's arm, pulled him up and dragged him across to his desk, putting him down in the chair, and moving it away from the computer for good measure. Owen glared up at him and looked ready to run. Ianto stared him down.

"If your backside comes off that chair I will paddle it," he warned Owen, meaning it. Owen's eyes widened and he settled back down again.

"Great, I've turned into my mother," Ianto muttered, left Owen where he was and went to look at Toshiko. She had a red mark on her thigh, which was going to bruise; her cheek had also started to turn red, but not as bad. Tears were still running down her face, but she made no sound. Gwen was trying to cuddle her as she held onto Jack. Jack just sat between them and roared. Ianto tweaked his nose, it surprised Jack so much he stopped.

"Stop that and let me deal with Toshiko."

Jack stared at him, but seemed to settle down. Ianto looked at the bruise.

"I'll get something to cool that down," Ianto said, although he wasn't sure what, an ice pack might be a bit much. "Stay."

He made the order generic, Gwen nodded, clearly taking a responsibility to look after Toshiko and Jack. Owen sat on the computer chair, holding the sides of the seat tightly as if he was frightened his backside would lose contact with it. He was eyeing Ianto warily, and with a shred of respect. Taking that into account, and anyway Ianto didn't want them wasted, he picked up the pizza boxes and opening them up put some on the coffee table and handed Owen his, putting it in his lap.

"Here, eat pizza," he added before wandering down into the autopsy room to rummage through Owen's medical kit.

Eventually he came back with a dressing he had dampened with cold water. Ianto felt very strange putting it on Toshiko's bare thigh. She gave a little sniff and nibbled on her pizza slice, Gwen was chewing hers and had also torn a piece off that Jack could gnaw on to keep him quiet and occupied. Ianto felt a little alarmed, he was fairly certain that Jack shouldn't be trying to eat anything like that. He didn't seem to be eating it, more sort of sucking on it, since he seemed happy Ianto didn't bother him.

After a few moments, once Toshiko was settled, Jack discarded the pizza piece and started to crawl over Toshiko to Ianto. Ianto picked him up and sighed.

"All right Jack."

Jack hiccupped, spat tomato sauce on Ianto and snuggled against him. Toshiko held out a napkin from the pile that had come with the pizzas.

"Thank you, Tosh," Ianto said, making her blush a little. Owen sniggered and Gwen glared at him.

"Right, I need to concentrate on getting you fixed," Ianto said. Taking Jack with him Ianto sat back at Toshiko's desk and started to go through the data that they had gathered on the device which had done this. For a moment the others were blessedly quiet while they ate until Gwen's head lifted and she looked around. She slid off the sofa and padded across the hub, going to her desk and rummaging around. Ianto only paid attention as she moved her chair and started to climb up it.

"Gwen! Careful!" Ianto yelped in alarm. Gwen paused, but pointed to her desk.

"How come she gets to walk around?" Owen demanded through a mouthful of pizza, it was packed into his cheeks making him look like a very sulky hamster.

"Gwen" Ianto replied archly, "does not going around pinching people."

Owen scowled. Ianto went to Gwen's desk, to see what she wanted. A sheet of paper was vibrating, flipping it out of the way Ianto picked up her phone, and it suddenly stopped ringing. Gwen frowned in concern. Ianto pressed the button to see who had called and wasn't surprised when Rhys' name appeared.

That was the same moment that Owen tipped his pizza off his lap, so it landed toppings down on the floor. Toshiko peered under the dressing to look at her bruise and Gwen tugged on Ianto's trousers.

"Who was it?" she demanded.

Ianto jumped as it vibrated again and without even thinking, pressed the button to answer it. As he placed it against his ear he got Rhys' voice announcing.

"What is the point of having a phone if you never bloody answer it?"

"Rhys, it's Ianto?"

"Why are you answering Gwen's phone? Where's Gwen?"

Ianto couldn't blame him for sounding suspicious. Looking down at Gwen's face Ianto really couldn't blame him. Owen now had his feet on the pizza box, mushing pizza onto the floor as he muttered under his breath. Toshiko opened a can of drink, which must have been shaken beforehand as it fizzed everywhere, she tried to use a nearby newspaper to mop it. Gwen stared up at Ianto, Jack grabbed Ianto's tie in one chubby hand and stuffed it into his mouth. Ianto groaned.

"Gwen's fine, okay, she just can't come to the phone right now. Erm… Rhys, could you come over to the hub?"

"Why? I thought you said Gwen was fine."

"She is fine," Ianto said. "I could just do with a hand, that's all."

"Why?" Rhys asked belligerently. Ianto winced. So did Gwen, stepping back from Ianto and she started to giggle. Owen looked up to see what all the fuss was about and sniggered behind his hand. Toshiko eased herself back onto the sofa, eyeing the mess she had created apprehensively. Jack stared up at Ianto with bright, mischievous eyes.

"Okay, I'm in a bit of a fix, I need an extra pair of hands. Look, explaining when you're here is better. Just hop on the lift and I'll let you in."

"Gwen had better be in one piece when I get there," Rhys warned, and Ianto imagined himself getting a rather bloody nose if Rhys decided smaller Gwen wasn't enough of a one piece.

"She will be, just one other thing… you couldn't possibly pick up a pack of nappies on the way, could you?"

The words 'stable', 'horse' and 'bolted' sprang to Ianto's mind.


	2. Chapter 2

Rhys rang again five minutes later.

"What type of nappies?" he asked.

"I don't know, just something to hold mess."

"They all do that, I mean, what age, what type, what brand… oh bloody hell!"

"Something to fit a smallish baby, anything!"

"Okay, don't blame me if it's wrong," Rhys announced before hanging up.

A minute later Rhys rang back.

"How big of a packet do you need?"

"I don't care! Just get anything!"

"Have you seen some of these prices? Oh bollocks!" Rhys said before hanging up again.

Ianto had set the recognition software to trace Rhys' progress across the Plass. When he stood on the lift that was also set to recognise his weight and stance, so a second after he stepped on he descended down into the hub. Looking around he couldn't see anything amiss, until as he stepped off someone almost collided with him. By sheer instinct Rhys reached out and grabbed Owen's collar, not only to make sure he didn't fall, but because he seemed to be up to no good. Owen tried to pull away, Rhys was having none of it.

"Where's Ianto?" Rhys asked. Then a moment later his brain caught up and he looked Owen up and down, his belt hitched in further than usual and his trouser legs rolled up so they didn't hinder him. "And what's a kid doing in the hub?"

"Get off!" Owen yelped as Rhys propelled him along.

"No chance, you could be some kind of alien invasion for all I know."

"You're stupid!" Owen snapped as Rhys hoisted him up the steps and he looked around.

"You're going to have a thick ear in a minute!"

Owen seemed to take that seriously, he shut up and hung in Rhys' grip, as Rhys paused and gawped at Ianto, a very ragged looking Ianto, who had appeared in the doorway of Jack's office. His shirt was filthy, very damp and his tie was hanging loosely round his neck. He was also holding a naked baby, which Rhys guessed was the source of the dampness.

"Nappies, for a smallish baby, you owe me a tenner," Rhys announced holding up the carrier bag.

"Right," Ianto said, patting his pockets and wondering where his wallet had gone. Owen giggled and Ianto glared at him.

"Owen, what have you done with my wallet?"

Rhys scowled and looked down at the little boy. "Owen?" he asked in confusion. He looked back up at Ianto, and then his eyes went so wide they looked like they might fall out of his head. Ianto's gaze rolled downwards as he felt someone press against him.

Gwen peered around him and looked at Rhys, whose jaw dropped. Gwen gave him a shy, but bright, smile.

"What the hell…?" Rhys asked, staring at Gwen. He recognised her, he'd know her eyes anywhere, plus he had seen pictures of her as a kid, they covered every wall at her parent's house, it was impossible to miss them. Gwen shuffled forward, and Owen managed to get himself out of Rhys' grip. Rhys didn't even realise Owen had got free, and he bounded over sat down on the computer chair, eyeing both Ianto and Rhys warily, trying to pretend he had stayed there and not been running around the hub causing chaos.

Gwen eased her way around Ianto, still dressed in her red top that was now acting as a dress, and she padded on bare feet over to Rhys and reached out to slide her hand into his, beaming up at him. She didn't say anything, just stared up with big, wide eyes. Rhys looked shocked, speechless and utterly freaked out. Eventually Jack gave a loud burp and that snapped Rhys' attention back to Ianto, who was patting Jack's back, hoping to God he wasn't intending to be sick.

"What happened?"

"Jack was fiddling with some alien tech, there was a blast of power, and this was the result. I'm trying to get it sorted, but it's hard to concentrate on that with three kids and a baby."

"Hard doesn't look like the word," Rhys said, using his foot to lift the pizza box off the floor and peer at the mangled pizza underneath. Gwen pointed at it with her free hand and said.

"Owen did that!"

"Snitch!" Owen snapped. Gwen stuck her tongue out at him.

"Can you fix this?" Rhys asked.

"Yes, if I get a chance to sit down and do it, but trying to keep an eye on these four makes it a bit difficult."

"Four?" Rhys asked, eyes roving from one child to the other.

"Yes, four," Ianto said. He moved slightly so Toshiko, who was hiding behind him came into view.

"It's just Rhys," Gwen announced, slightly possessively and with a toss of her hair, then she gazed up at him again. Rhys tried not to panic, and he looked at the baby.

"So, that one is Jack then?"

Jack turned his big blue eyes in Rhys' direction and gave another happy little smile around the material of Ianto's tie on which he was now chewing. Ianto nodded.

"He was nearest, so he took most of the affect, I've got the computer working out the distances, blast pattern and I'm going through Tosh's data to work out how to set the machine to revert them, but I just need someone to keep and eye on them while I finish off."

Ianto nodded in the direction of Jack's office, where he had been trying to work, around Owen's chaos making, Toshiko's attempts to tell him stuff, Gwen's bossy orders as she chased after Owen and Jack's insistence on clinging to him.

"So, I mind this lot, you do whatever you need to do?" Rhys asked.

Ianto nodded. "I get the feeling it might only take me a few minutes, if I get the chance to concentrate."

Rhys nodded. "Okay, do you want one of these?"

He held up the carrier bag. Gwen reached up and took the bag off him, and letting go of his hand dropped it on the floor and started to rummage, digging her fingers into the plastic to open it and drag out a nappy. She waved it in the air triumphantly.

"I can do it," she announced. Rhys looked a little sceptical. He looked at Ianto and then back down to his miniature fiancée.

"I'm sure we can manage between us," Rhys said, Gwen looked up at him and beamed.

"No, if you can mind these three, I'll take Jack."

"I'm sure I can manage," Rhys said, stepping forward.

"Quite frankly, I don't doubt that you can, but there is this…"

Ianto paused and held out Jack, extracting the baby from his grip to pass him to Rhys. As Ianto did so Jack lifted his head and opened his mouth, howling from the moment he took a deep breath. Rhys winced as he took Jack from Ianto and pulling him closer Jack stayed howling. Ianto held out his hands again and Rhys passed the baby back. As Ianto took hold Jack's volume diminished and as he put Jack back in position on his chest he whined for a moment before falling quiet.

Rhys stared at Jack.

"How can something that small produce that much noise?"

Owen sniggered, his hands over his ears.

"Or that much liquid," Ianto muttered. "How about I take that?" he said to Gwen holding out his hand for the nappy, which Gwen gave him. She was staring at Jack with a frown on her face, looking very much like her grown up self, amused but baffled by Jack.

"I'll put this on Jack and go back to sorting this out, if you could watch these three, and see if you can find where Owen put my wallet."

"In the sofa, but he took the money out of it first, that's in his pocket," Gwen accused.

Owen dropped his jaw, taking in a dramatic breath, glaring at Gwen as if he couldn't really believe that he had done that. Gwen stomped over to the sofa, taking Rhys with her and she slid her hand in and retrieved it, holding it up for Rhys. Ianto smirked and pushed Toshiko in their direction.

"You stay with Gwen and Rhys, I'm going to deal with Jack. This should not take me long if you can keep this lot contained."

"No worries," Rhys said, wandering over to where Owen sat on the computer chair. Rhys held out his hand. "Give."

"Snitchy," Owen hissed at Gwen, who pulled a face. Owen extracted the money out of his pocket and handed it to Rhys, who returned it to Ianto's wallet, which he then handed to Gwen.

"Take that to Ianto," Rhys ordered. Gwen went skipping off. Rhys glared down at Owen, and pointed at the mess he had made. "You can clear that up!"

"Ianto said I wasn't to get off the chair!" Owen announced.

"Because you were doing as you were told when you were running around nicking his wallet weren't you?"

"If you're going to clean up you can get off the chair!" Ianto announced, having wrapped the nappy around Jack, who was probably not going to make any more mess now he was contained. He settled Jack on his lap and started to type, getting the information he needed. Jack gurgled happily, his pudgy hands reaching towards the desk, trying to grab at the laptop. It was out of Jack's reach but he leant forward to try and reach it. Ianto kept it safely out of the way and put a hand on Jack's torso to stop him from leaning too far forward and knocking his head. After a while Jack stopped grappling for the laptop and grabbed at the hand holding him steady, still merrily gurgling and drooling.

"At least you're easy to please," Ianto murmured, as he listened to Rhys, dealing with Owen.

"I don't have to, it's Ianto's job! He's the tea boy!"

"That doesn't make him the cleaner," Rhys said. "And you did that on purpose, so you can pick it up."

"Make me!" Owen announced. He was sat on the computer chair, arms folded across his chest, kicking his legs, not exactly in Rhys' direction, but he clearly wouldn't mind if his foot connected with Rhys' shin. There was a small significant pause before Rhys calmly said.

"Do you really want me to act on that?"

Owen's eyes widened, he stared up at Rhys liked a startled rabbit before he shuffled off the chair and squatted on the floor to turn the pizza box over and Owen started to pick up bits of pizza with his finger and thumb, eyeing the mangled bits of food with distaste. He dropped them onto the damp but still intact cardboard. Owen sent a glare at Gwen. Toshiko looked a little uncomfortable and she shyly shuffled forward to crouch and help Owen. Owen gave her a shocked, disdainful look, until he was glared at by Rhys and instead he looked away and went back to what he was doing. Rhys sat on the sofa and watched them, they couldn't get up to much harm. He peered at the sodden newspaper with a grimace.

"The drink fizzed," Toshiko said, looking embarrassed, and a little wary.

"Ianto, do you have bin bags?"

"Err, I think the only ones might be up in the tourist office. Tell you what, use one of the medical waste disposal bags that Owen keeps in the autopsy room, they'll be a box of them just by the computer desk," he yelled from Jack's office.

"Thanks!" Rhys called. Toshiko grimaced, and Gwen said.

"Owen shook the cans up they'll all do that! Tosh didn't know."

Rhys rolled his eyes and disappeared off to find a bag. Owen glared at Gwen and took the opportunity of Rhys' absence to jump up and yank on Gwen's hair hard. Gwen gave a yelp, but naturally was not about to take that lying down. She spun round and whacked Owen hard on the face. Owen was about to follow that up, but Rhys came storming out of the autopsy room and Owen thought better of attempting to clobber Gwen in front of her angry looking boyfriend.

There was a very tense moment as Rhys glared at Owen, who backed up at step or two. Rhys debated the morality of giving Owen a good smack, but he was only eight, and someone who would be bigger soon enough. Although, Rhys reckoned if it came to it, he could hold his own against Owen.

However, in the end he opted for a different tack.

"Tosh, come here," Rhys said. Gwen had already crept over to him, eyeing him just as warily as Owen was. Toshiko looked a little apprehensive but did as she was told. Gwen took her hand.

"You," Rhys announced to Owen, "can clear that on your own."

He thrust a bag at Owen and pointed to the pizza mess on the floor. Owen took the bag, backing up with wide eyes.

"You two can help me with this," Rhys said in a far gentler tone.

"That's not fair!" Owen said furiously, sounding almost close to tears. Rhys turned back to him, Owen stuck out his lower lip and glared, holding the bag out in front of him as if it was a shield. Owen teetered on the brink of upset, and Rhys did the same on the brink of being out of his depth. This was the moment that thankfully Ianto appeared in the doorway of the office, Jack's head on his shoulder while he slept peacefully.

"I've got it. The firing range is probably best for this."

"Why?" Rhys asked, once they had all trooped down there.

"Because the shield there will mean we go not pick up any affects of this," Ianto said as he supervised the measuring out of the correct distances.

"Owen, there. Tosh and Gwen there, I'll put Jack down at the last minute."

Gwen and Toshiko settled on the floor, both wrapped in blankets, giggling like it was a slumber party. Owen sulked at the back, holding his trousers up, loosening his belt ready to change back. Ianto put the machine in place and waved at Rhys.

"You just stay behind the screen, and probably best to put on some goggles, by the look of the playback, this is bright."

"Will they be all right?" Rhys asked.

"Yep, this will work, everyone cover their ears."

"Why?" Rhys asked in alarm, and then got the hint as Ianto put Jack down. He roused from his sleep in a second, screaming as he realised Ianto wasn't holding him. Ianto dumped him, now minus the nappy, onto a blanket and ran to the machine, hit the controls and then dashed behind the screen. The machine gave several high-pitched beeps, competing with Jack's banshee screams.

"What's that noise?"

"Countdown," Ianto said. "Brace yourself!"

Rhys was glad about the advice over the goggles. He also closed his eyes, there was no possible way he could keep an eye on Gwen. There was no seeing her through the intense flash, which ended with a strange pop, and it was gone.

"Woah!" Jack yelled, sounding like Jack again. He sat up and looked around. Gwen and Toshiko hid under their blankets, glancing around in shock. Jack rolled over.

"Okay, waking up naked and having no idea what happened, that's what I call a good night," he said, grinning at Toshiko and Gwen. Gwen glanced under her blanket to realise she had no clothes on her bottom half. Toshiko yanked the blanket tighter around her as she realised the same thing.

"Bloody Torchwood!" Gwen muttered. Jack laughed and there was a discreet cough from behind him. Jack rolled over again, recognising the cough, and the warning within it. Ianto looked down at him, one eyebrow raised, his shirt and tie still in disarray and Jack's clothes draped neatly over his arm. He held out Jack's underwear first. Jack gave Ianto a cheeky grin as he pulled them on. It faded as Rhys passed them to go to Gwen, the system he and Ianto worked out was Rhys could help Gwen dress, because in their case, Rhys had seen it all before. Then Gwen could help Toshiko.

"What's he doing here?" Jack snapped in outrage.

"Helping me keep you lot under control," Ianto said.

"What were we doing?" Toshiko asked, sounding horrified. "What happened to my leg?"

"Being children, literally," Ianto said.

"Owen being a bully," Rhys told Toshiko, having been given a very in depth run of Owen's misdemeanours by Gwen.

"I am not!" Owen said.

"Yes, you are!" Gwen snapped.

"At least I'm not a snitch!"

"I'm a policewoman, what do you expect?" Gwen announced finishing getting dressed behind the blanket Rhys was holding. As she finished Rhys handed it and Toshiko's clothes to Gwen.

"I presume you can help Tosh."

"Yes," said Gwen. "Since I'm not a bully!"

Jack laughed and looked up at Ianto.

"What happened to you?"

"You depositing your bodily fluids on me."

"Hey!" Jack said, slipping on his tee-shirt. "What have you got against my bodily fluids all of a sudden?"

"You drooled on me, spat on me, peed on me, thank God I got the nappy on you in time!"

"For public health reasons that needs to be incinerated," Rhys said. Jack looked horrified and yelled.

"You have got to be kidding me!"

"You started it!" Gwen yelled at Owen.

"Did not!" Owen yelled.

"Did so!" Toshiko added.

"I did not!" Jack added forcefully to Ianto.

Rhys watched them with mild alarm.

"Are you sure that machine worked properly?"

Ianto nodded, turning to glance at Rhys with a slightly resigned expression, and tone, and making sure he could at least be heard over the four raised voices.

"Oh yeah, trust me, they are like this all the time. Would you like a full time job?"

Rhys watched the chaos for a moment. "No bloody way. If I ever deal with kids again it's going to be one of my own," he announced before going over to extract his wife. Ianto glanced down at Jack, who was still looking stunned.

"I think you need to look over the safety protocols again," Ianto said. Jack gave a long sigh.

"New shirt?"

"And dinner," Ianto added. "And you can have some of my bodily fluid on you."

Jack grinned, and then took a breath, grimacing as he did so.

"I'd advise you to shower first."

The words 'pot', 'kettle' and 'black' sprang to Ianto's mind.


End file.
